Monday, July 10, 2017

"It really is just a closing off of what can be the most breathtaking feeling known to man"

I told a friend once, "the heart is a muscle, if we don't use it, and often, it will go into disuse atrophy!" I exclaimed loudly. HA! Well, I didn't mean that in exact terms, my point was, to get our muscles to grow and become stronger, we have to use them.

When you're living a single life, it can be difficult for some to allow themselves to be vulnerable. And of course, to date, or let someone get close, inside your inner circle, the vulnerability occurs. It just does. A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, I promised myself that I wouldn't ever be hurt by a love interest again. I was adamant, and steadfast, and stubborn, and, well, quite frankly, pretty darn happy in life. I enjoyed my friends, my family, took a few outstanding vacations to other countries, and found myself along the way. I forced myself, without even realizing I was doing so, to get to know me. What were my interests? What did I want from life, was it a simple equation or was I a high maintenance girl that demanded attention and fanfare and spangle and sparkle?

I found the answers to these questions, and the truth of it is, I was rather fond of what I found. I love to watch movies, and I love to quote them. I like Scary movies! and Romance. And action. My love for reading knows no bounds, and I am certain that in most cases, the book is always better. I love the water, whether it be saltwater or fresh, ocean or lakes and streams. I know I could live on a lake and be as happy as a clam. (Are clams happy?)

I love Fall, but I've always known that this was my favorite season out of the four. Football and swirling leaves of red and gold, pumpkins and crisp air and leather boots and bonfires.....Halloween.

I like that I have friends that care about me enough to show up when they know something is wrong. To have a good friend you must be a good friend. In this instance, I must have done something well because my friends are remarkable.

I'm not sure if anyone can summarize what they want from life without pulling out the standard "I just want to be happy". Well that's a given obviously, but I think a more fruitful way to answer would be to try to say what things that life could possibly bring us to light up the happy like a firecracker.

I want to be able to live a life without a strict schedule. Easier said than done while we're working for the man, eh? I want to spend quality time with people who understand me, know my flaws, and like me, or even love me, anyway. I want to sit in silence by myself, and I want to do this again with someone beside me. A comfortable silence. One that comes only with knowing that person has a kind heart, and good soul. Words aren't always needed, yet a conversation is still happening.  It has taken me an unusually prolonged amount of time to say, "I want someone beside me". That in itself, if you know me well, is a feat. I feel like I've conquered something, and more than likely that something, is myself. You know the phrase, "you need to get out of your own way", right? I've been standing in my way for quite some time.

Am I high maintenance? in no way. Do I demand attention? the exact opposite. I don't like to be in spotlights. Well, I mean, unless I'm on the KC Chiefs football field at Arrowhead meeting Trent Green or something. Come on. I have standards.
Have you SEEN Trent Green?

Anyway. Spangle and sparkle. Hmm. Well, I love the 4th of July and the incredible lights popping up above our heads as we watch the night sky turn into a sparkly show in honor and celebration of our free country that we live in. I like that spangle and sparkle.

But I'm a fairly simple girl, when it comes to the rest. I don't need a dozen roses on Valentines Day, or even "just because". I'd rather have one stargazer lily if flowers are a must, and a handwritten note, or my hand held while walking, or sitting down and discussing the day.
I don't need a fancy dinner in a 5 Star restaurant. I'm not against this by any means, I just don't require it. Give me a bucket of wings and a cold beer, or a day spent near a swimming pool with a barbecue grill nearby. Or take me to a KC Chiefs game! (now see, I just can't let that lie, I might mention them again soon, because I have no self control).

So the answer to the simple equation, is yes. Very simply; time spent with someone, is more important to me than anything else. Even doing mundane things can bring the happy if you're doing those things with someone that you love, that you know for sure, loves you right back. And yes, I know that this person is difficult to find sometimes. I understand friend, and I hear you. It can be effortless, and seemingly perfect. Or, it can be strenuous and not without complication. But is it worth it?

Here's what I've come to know in recent months.

Yes. It can be worth it. It may not happen perfectly the first time. It may not be without injury to that muscle I mention. But this entire time that I've been periodically telling myself that I "will never be hurt again!" and so adamantly, I now realize that not allowing myself to be vulnerable, and not taking a chance once or twice, and saying yes instead of no, does not shield me from any sort of torment. It really is just a closing off of what can be the most breathtaking feeling known to man. That heady, I feel like a teenager, starry-eyed, head-in-the-clouds feeling that if we could bottle up and sell, we would be wealthy until the end of our days.
I've found that I'm incredibly strong emotionally, I was stunned and also relieved to become aware of this. When I was younger, let's say in my 20's, shall we? I don't believe I was this way. I allowed red flags to flap in the breeze, all the while looking the other direction, paying no attention to them. I told myself often that I was imagining things, and making mountains out of molehills, when the gut spoke of possible misdeed and broken trust. Ah youth.
I also found that I won't disintegrate when I allow someone to get close to me. And I won't wither and fade when I say yes, and come extremely close to feeling in love, and that love is taken for granted and the fairytale ends.

THAT fairytale I mean.

Where I live, there are many possibilities to begin anew.

I think I'll say yes again. One day. Someday. Maybe tomorrow.

See you soon friend,

PS Breakfast at Tiffany's in the summertime is filled with alllll of the fresh fruits. I so love Farmers Market, don't you?

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