I don't know what cancer feels like

I'm writing, coming from a very long drive back to Dallas from home. A friend that also lives in Dallas, commented to me, "be careful driving back, I won't call it home per se". She is from Missouri too, and I understood what she meant. Missouri is where most of my family is, save a few that are scattered on the west and east coasts. But when I walked through the front door, and turned my Christmas wreath lights on, and the tree(s), and smelled the smells of where I live, I thought, but......this is my home. I fought that idea for the first two years after I moved to Dallas.
I don't think I'm doing that anymore.
My home is where I am. Where I live, work, play. I miss my family, especially around the holidays. But I'm lucky. I get to go home often, and they get to visit me here too. There are men and women serving in the armed forces that won't get to be with their families for the 2010 Holiday Season. That is just one example of why I feel lucky. I've never really been one to do the "woe is me" thing. Things may not be going exactly how I want them to be, at times. But, I constantly do the small reminder check list. I'm healthy, my job is decent, I like where I live, I have a multitude of friends, etc. The list can go on forever, I just check it every once in a while, adding things to it. I think that's why I usually cringe inwardly when I overhear someone complaining about something small, that in the big picture, really isn't the tragedy they make it out to be.

My cousin Serenity has cancer. Again. I haven't heard her complain one time since she found out this terrible news. If anyone has the right to scream, complain, throw themselves to the floor.....it's her.
But she wrote a lovely blog post instead. Telling us, her avid readers, "How It Feels" http://www.serenitybohon.com/2010/11/how-it-feels.html

I loved it. After spending Thanksgiving Day with her, on the drive from one small town to another (the "other" being my early childhood hometown) I was looking at the gorgeous sunset, listening to music, and thinking, Seren wrote what she felt about how "it feels". Then I thought, but it's also not how "it looks" either.  I don't know what cancer feels like. I hope I never have to know. I hate that she does. But I think cancer is ugly. It should dwell in ugly, because I don't like it, not in the slightest. It should be drab with no personality. It should have no talent, no voice, no artistic advantage over the rest of us.

So what is it doing in her?

It's trespassing on her property. Where she lives, works, and plays. Her home. Cancer has NO place in the beautiful face you see above.

I want it to be evicted immediately. Served papers, and then shown off the property.

That is my Christmas wish for 2010, in case you're taking notes Santa.

Would you please keep Serenity in your thoughts tomorrow, and the next day, and all week? (Surgery, immediately followed with intense Chemotherapy) This is one solicitation that I don't mind doing. I'm sure you understand.
Thank you friend,
Tiffany

PS We have to meet somewhere for breakfast tomorrow, this house has not one morsel of food in it. Oh.... except coffee. And tea. These are food groups, yes?

The grid needs one less traveler, if only for a while.....

"She's taking a BREAK, she NEEDS a BREAK!" -Johnny Castle a la Dirty Dancing

I think going off the grid for a bit is needed at times, don't you?

Vacations can bring a fabulous going off the grid feeling. The tide rolling in on the shore, me sitting in the sand and drinking it in. Seeing the lights come on at dusk on the Eiffel Tower. Cruising over ocean waters headed to island destinations....2011 I hear you! And I'll be there.
Family visits in my hometown, an absolute favorite way for me to take a break. I'm very excited for Thanksgiving 2010 and the promises it has been whispering to me for weeks now. My sisters and I in the same room, my happiest of happy places.

I was thinking about when I gave up Facebook for lent this year (told you I could do it) and the social media break that provided. To be honest I did that mostly because I was told I couldn't. My ears don't hear that phrase very well. Combine that with stubborness, and well.....there you have it. *Please note I did not give up twitter, my most favorite social media haven. Those people are just awesome, plain and simple. My Facebook family is awesome too.

But I think the grid needs one less traveler, if only for a while. When I leave for my visit home, I'll be taking my journal with me as usual. With my family I know there will be so many funny stories to write down I will more than likely wear out my pen. I'll definitely be scheduling an interview with my brave cousin who has had the unfortunate luck of cancer trespassing once again in her life. Am I doing this because of cancer? No. I've wanted to do this for a while anyway, she's a fascinating person, and soon to be published author. You hear me New York? Get on it.

I've got some little people I want to interview too. Nieces who light up the room just by being in it. A nephew that speaks to me over the phone using 30 yr old intellect, who is, in reality, only 9 yrs old....

I won't be gone long. But I want to say this to you regarding our upcoming holiday.

I am thankful, for the things I have been given. So I want to wish you, a very Happy Thanksgiven.

See you soon friend,
Tiffany

PS Let's have breakfast at Cafe Brazil soon. To.die.for.

Top Ten Favorites on a Friday

These are a few of my favorite things

1. Loooooong weekends, wherein my Friday was a Thursday, and my Monday won't be a Monday.

2. The promise of seeing my very large family in a week or so. Nothing makes me smile more than knowing this.

3. Impending visits from friends from home. (Missouri)

4. Thunderstorms. I woke up to one this morning, one of my all time favs.

5. Random text messages that make me laugh out loud, to the point of almost spitting coffee. (I didn't, thank God, so my dignity is intact. So far anyway)

6. The thought that in the fall of 2011 I will be cruising through the Cayman Islands.

7. Weddings. Because they celebrate love and new beginnings.

8. Cancer research. We will win this battle one day.

9. Starbucks Red Cups are out. <-----I love this.

10. The Beatles, singing how I feel...."give me love, give me love, give me...peace on earth"



I hope you have an amazing weekend friend. I think the breakfasts are going to be mostly protein around here, I'm on a mission! Join me....

See you soon,
Tiffany

Say Cheese!

My poor little sister thinks she is the forgotten child because, being the last born, there aren't as many baby pictures of her as there are of me, and my middle sister. I've heard parents say that this happens often. With the first child one ends up with two thousand pictures in the first three months. Oh I exaggerate, but you understand what I am saying.
She asked my mom, and my other sister to look through our pictures to see if we have any of her under the age of three. Naturally I immediately thought, well surely Mom has some.
But this made me start digging through my mountains of pictures anyway, as I would do anything for my sister(s).
As I began the trek down memory lane I found myself laughing (hysterically at some points) at some of the pictures I had totally forgotten about.

Now that I've spent a major amount of time sifting through my life in photos, I'm left with these thoughts:

1: Please wait until all eyes are on you before clicking the button on the camera. It makes no sense to have a picture of four people looking so far away from you they can see Europe.

2: Why in the H didn't I leave my hair alone?

3: Who told me I looked fantastic in that outifit? WHO? I hold them responsible.

4: Date your pictures immediately. Include the names of the people in the picture. Or it will haunt you, trying to remember that cute kids name that pulled your pigtails in the third grade.

5: It's not attractive to have your picture taken while you are consuming food.

6: You are judged by the company you keep. It is then sealed forever in a photo if your friends love capturing the moment. Choose wisely people.

7: My family is huge, and we're all crazy. (I'm laughing as I type this because I love them all something fierce, you know I'm kidding fam) ahem *cough* kind of.

8: Don't cross your eyes when someone is taking your picture. Just don't.

9: Don't let your small children get their hands on the camera <----------it was me, and every picture is blurry.

10: Make sure the camera is turned off before you walk away, otherwise you will have many pictures of the floor and walls.

11: Open,your.eyes. when someone is taking a picture of you <------I'm talking to myself here.

12:  For the girls, regarding makeup: less is more.

13: Please don't make the subject of your picture say cheese. Or anything else. Just let them naturally smile. (I'm half kidding here, people usually make me laugh every single time they take my picture. But um, that explains half of these expressions I'm seeing in the photos, just sayin)

14: Snow falling after it's dark really doesn't photograph well. You won't need the twenty shots you just took.

That about sums up part of my morning today. Now go get your photo albums out and take a look.

I see you nodding, you agree with me on some of these don't you?

See you soon friend,
Tiffany

PS I think tomorrow we shall have something banana-y for breakfast. Mmkay? But NO pictures while we are eating.

May He Live In Peace-In Review "Charlie St. Cloud"

I tried pretty hard to stay away from all of the fanfare about the movie based on the book "Charlie St. Cloud" . I was intrigued by what little that I had read about the story, and if you agree with me, we all know that the movie is rarely as good as the book. In fact, at times, the movie just butchers the story, leaving little shreds of what was actually put from pen to page.

I succeeded, I still haven't seen the movie and I'm not sure that I want to. I couldn't put this book down. I kept thinking, there is no way that movie is going to capture what I received from the story. I may be wrong, and who knows, if a friend says, "hey lets watch this", I'll probably cave.

I read this line, "Splotches of phosphorus streaked the sky in a stormy fireworks show" (pg 55) and thought, I love reading books that include phrases like these. It's a simple one, but still.

As I've done with every review I've written, I'm not going to give away the entire content of this story, and definitely not the ending. If I do that, you may not read it. And I want you to read it.

When I got to the meat of the story, it made me think about the afterlife. What really does happen when we die? Is there really an 'in-between' world where we can exist, and then decide when we're ready to cross all of the way over?

Charlie made a promise to his little brother, Sam. "Promise you won't leave me" Sam says to him. I learned quickly that Charlie is the type of person who doesn't break promises. But here's the thing; Sam is no longer amongst the living. Told in an amazing way, the story leads you to understand that there is something unbelievable happening. The two brothers have found a way to spend time with each other, every evening at dusk. In order for this to happen, though, Charlie has to be there at dusk, every day. Otherwise Sam may "disappear" forever.

I totally understood Charlies decision. But then he meets Tess, a captivating woman training for a solo sailing trip around the world. Then, it's as if he slowly begins to realize, "have I really chosen to live?" (come on, you didn't think there wouldn't be a girl did you?)

When I read interesting stories like these, that have no bearing on my life story in any way, I still find a way to make them plausible for me. No, I can't see "ghosts", I don't really believe in them and don't need the universe to change my mind. Would I like to see loved one's that I've lost, to have a conversation and be around them? Well I think the answer is, of course I would. But there will be a time and place for that, at least I think so.

But right now I'm living. Trying to live life out loud anyway.  Not be so afraid of things, relationships, getting hurt, all of that nonsense. It's very easy to not let myself get too close to someone. But, just like Charlie, I, at times, ask myself, "have I really chosen to live?" So what if I get hurt. It's not a perfect world, this I know. But I can make my world as perfect for me as possible, by just being myself.

There was a tug and pull all the way throughout this story, reading about Charlie wrestling with the two worlds.

Find out what he decides, get the book. I recommend it.

See you soon,
Tiffany

PS Tess named her boat "Querencia", a Spanish word that is hard to translate but basically it applies to where one feels safe. Wouldn't it be cool to have breakfast on a boat like that, sailing across ocean waters?

Why not shoot for the moon?

This won't be a post where I discuss one of my favorite authors, Nicholas Sparks. I can do that at some point, but not today. We'll save that for later.
When I viewed my blog today, which is the quickest way to see if any of my "favorites" posted, I saw one of my quotes pop up on the bottom right side of the window. Not quotes by me, but quotes by others, that I've selected through GoodReads. I added the widget to my blog when I found out that the quote changes every time the page is refreshed.

"Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that."— Nicholas Sparks


Of course I agree with him. But I am going to say partially. Ever easy? That seems locked down to me. I think there are times that we can make things harder than they have to be.
 
Are you an over-thinker like I can be at times? It depends on the subject. One of the main things I am constantly aware of is the feeling that I've offended someone. Not a fan, not in the slightest. I've been told to "relax" and "stop thinking so much" before. Well, I hear you friends, but I really do care about this.
 
Related to work, if someone is given a project to do, I've heard team members involved state this phrase on the conference calls, "let's not re-invent the wheel here okay?" An example of making things harder than they have to be in the office.
 
I like to pretend that I've lived in Dallas long enough to know my way around to just about anywhere within a 50 mile radius. But that's not always the case. I've taken the long way a few times, only to realize once I reach my destination that there was a much shorter, easier way, to get there. Live and learn as they say. Just an example of me, making the journey harder than it had to be. (I enjoyed the ride though)
 
I think what Nicholas is meaning, is this: "If it's something worthwhile, you're going to have to work really hard at it". I agree with him. It's hard for me to understand when someone doesn't give something they claim to really want, a hundred percent of themselves.
 
If it's important to me, I'm going to fold myself in the middle of it, and roll it all around me so I am the center. Then, I'm going to work my butt off to get it done. I feel better working this way, if I give it my best shot I know that I left nothing that could possibly unravel.
 
I believe there are people that are afraid to raise the bar too high. As if failure is inevitable before they begin. I've been in this place at times. I'm just slowly realizing that I don't care for it. Why not shoot for the moon? Why not.
 
This can be applied to relationships, work, even play. To my male friend who thinks he's not good enough for her. Ask her out anyway, you're going to surprise yourself. To my coworker who says, "I'm not smart enough to take this on!". Yes.You.Are. To a best friend who wants to play softball but says, "but I'm so not an athlete". So what! Get that glove on your hand and get out on that field, you enjoy playing.
 
Steadily raising the bar......I am.
 
See you soon friend,
Tiffany
 
PS I'm really into egg white omelets right now. If you want to try one, I'll make it for you. If that sounds like "not-so-much" to you, there's always pancakes. <--------see how easy that was?

In which, I get a root canal on a Friday

I don't know what possesses me sometimes. Yes I know, it's that time of year. Haunted spirits, ghostly apparitions, eerie music.....That's not what I mean though. I don't know what I was thinking when I scheduled a root canal on a Friday before noon.

Dentist: so hey when do you want to do this?
Me, clearly under the influence: HEY! HOW ABOUT NEXT FRIDAY, YAY!
?
Maybe I was looking for an excuse to stay home and do nothing on a Friday.

Dear Tiffany, you don't need an excuse. If you want to stay home on a Friday, do it. Don't be so dramatic.

The usual dread didn't overcome me until, oh about 10:30a when I needed to get ready to go. You know this feeling, right?
The common sense side tells you, "you won't feel a thing, be a good girl and get in there and take care of your teeth".
The panic, don't-make-me-go side tells you, "oh my God he's going to climb inside my mouth and wreak havoc on every root and nerve I have and I'm going to DIE.FROM.THE.PAIN!!!!!"

Don't be ridiculous I said to the latter. I won't feel it. I have a high threshold for pain anyway. Bring it, I can take anything you dish out! Suddenly I hear the theme to Rocky playing and I opt to wear work-out attire, rather than jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flops (my standard uniform when working from home).

Like everyone else probably does, I brushed my teeth twice as long before I left, flossed, rinsed several times with that refreshing mouthwash he gave me on the last visit, and.....off I go. Armed with coffee (so much for refreshing breath) my phone, purse, keys, sunglasses, and an attitude that spoke volumes about how this wasn't going to bother me in the slightest.

Why, on days where you're not headed towards the most fun thing in the world, is the weather just beautiful? Coincidence I suppose. But seriously, today was gorgeous. Bright sunshine, perfect temperature, low humidity, not a cloud in the sky.

I'm going to an endodontist for this adventure, one I've never seen before. After I turn around twice, I finally find the office, conveniently nestled in between an insurance office and a funeral home. Trying not to notice the irony, I go in and before I can say a word the receptionist says, "Are you Tiffany?" I was thinking oh hell am I late? Have you been watching out the window for me to get here because I'm holding up patients?
Me: "yes"

"GREAT! Just sign in right here for me please. I'll need your drivers license, insurance card, and I'll just give you this now so you can start filling out the 8-pages of information we'll need".
She gave me a laptop people. Look how far we've come. Gone are the days of clip-boards with a chewed off pen attached to string so you won't steal it. Now they hand you a $400 device that will make your life so much easier.
I fill out the paperwork, sign the last page like I'm in kindergarten writing with crayons (every time I sign something electronically, the signature looks like I'm on medication but ran out of it 3 days ago). With a sense of accompolishment I take the laptop back to her. She said , "GREAT!" (very cheery people for those that are about to send me to a dungeon where they pull my roots out from under my teeth with wire instruments).

"Okay now we'll need to get your picture".
?
Me, to myself: "Am I in the right building? is this the CIA? are they going to ask me for fingerprints? what the H?"
I smile at a box so tiny I don't see how it can capture even one tooth much less my whole face. She then cheerily tells me that "Amanda" will be in to get me soon. I turn to sit down, but before I can, "Tiffany?"
Good grief people, can I have a moment to collect my thoughts here? Sheesh.
I smile at her, "right this way" she says. Oh God, now my turn has come. It's the moment of reckoning, the one where you think about every transgression you've ever participated in since the 5th grade.
She is a REALLY happy person. I also wonder about her degree because she looks to be about twelve years old and should be wearing Mouse ears......"M....I....C....see ya real soon!"

She has me put my purse in the corner, and lay back in the chair. Then she lays the v e r y h e a v y blanket over me that protects you when they do x-rays. The contraption she has me bite down on, in awkward positions in my mouth, can only be compared to a wire jigsaw puzzle. But this is the easy part so I'm almost asleep I'm so relaxed. The dentist takes your blood pressure now, so we do that. I'm "surprisingly normal" she says. I said "well, I normally don't have high blood pressure". She said, "yes but people are nervous when they come in so we expect high readings".

No sooner than we were done with all of this "easy" stuff then here he comes, the tooth adonis himself. See what I did there? Keep reading. Okay yes, I'm going to say, the man was very handsome. But he's about to put a chainsaw in my mouth so I don't care how cute he is. He shakes my hand, I notice he smiles with his eyes. Love that.
He wastes no time in getting right down to it. Looks over the x-ray, tells me that the tooth he will be working on is this one <-----------he points. And while he's working I will feel nothing. If that is not the case, I am to tell him so, and he will make it so I don't. I am now noticing the most awesome accent I've ever heard but I can't put my finger on it. He asks me to lay back, the chair is now leaning waaaaay back. Amanda puts clear glasses on me so I don't get any "liquid" in my eyes.
He says, I'm glad they're clear, you can still see her blue eyes through them.
sigh. "You're going to hurt me aren't you. You're now flirting because you know I'm about to be writhing in pain at your hands" I didn't say it, was just thinking it.
He asks me to close my eyes before I can see his hands, smart move Mr. Endodontist, you don't want me to see the needle the size of Brooklyn do you. He places the numbing Q-tip in there for a minute, then explains that he wants me to breathe and it may be a bit uncomfortable for a minute but he wants to get me very numb. Several shots later, I can already feel the side of my mouth tingling then fading to nothing. He asks, "comfortably numb?" I started laughing, with MY MOUTH OPEN (not attractive) and he said, oh are you a Pink Floyd fan too?
I love him.

He taps my cheek gently and asks if I can feel it, I can't thank God.
They begin their descent underneath my temporary crown. As he begins he says "so you're probably trying to figure out where I'm from huh"

Why. Why do dentists do this. I can't have a conversation when my mouth is clamped open and is dry because the sunction artist has the hose hovering over my tonsils.

I kind of shrug a little, like, "maybe". Confession, I wasn't. I did wonder about the accent, but my current concern is when the first nerve was going to stand up and say, get out of here before I kill you.
He went on to say, "well I'm not going to tell you. I want to see if you can figure it out. I will give you one hint, I don't speak Spanish and I am not from Spain or Mexico".

So I have an assignment now? Will there be a test at the end? Can I just concentrate on breathing through this?

He continues on, telling me how great it's going and asking me if I'm okay. I truly did not feel anything but slight pressure through out this entire procedure. It took about 25 minutes total if I'm calculating right.
When he was done, he said that he wanted me to sit there for a few minutes and take some Advil (that they provided). He then explained that medication wouldn't be necessary after, as in, no antibiotics, and no pain meds.
My heart sank. You mean to tell me, that when this "comfortably numb" wears off, all I have to take the edge off of this gum/root massacre is ADVIL?
But I want the good stuff. I immediately go into a slight pout that I was hoping went unnoticed. He laughed and asked if I got my way with that often. aHA!
He said, listen. I'm not a fan of pain medication unless it's absolutely necessary. I want you to try ibuprofen or advil and let me know if it's too bad for you to handle. I will call something in.
Fine!
He shook my hand again and said "you did great today". "If you need anything at all please give me a call".

Right as he was leaving I said, "Greece".

He turned around, stunned, and said, "no one ever gets it right!"
=)

Well I am here to tell you, it didn't get me pain medication, and I definitely felt like I needed it when the numbness wore off. But I took more ibuprofen and am happy to report that all is well in the land of Tiffany.

But would you mind picking me up for Breakfast tomorrow? It's still Breakfast at Tiffany's if I'm with you, and I don't think I'll feel like cooking.

See you soon friend,
Tiffany

PS Floss. After every meal. And see your dentist every 6 months for your routine cleaning/check up.
Okay?